There have been plenty times in my life I’ve faced the face the potential wrath of failing. There was a time when I didn’t think I was going to pass art class (ha ha ha. I’m serious.) There was a time when I thought I wasn’t going to pass AP US history. There was a time I didn’t think I was going to be able to make a good decision regarding college. There was a time I didn’t think I was going to be accepted into the nursing program. There was a time I didn’t think I was going to survive the nursing program… and there is now… the time that I think I might now pass my board.
But for some reason, all those things have worked out for me- they beyond worked out for me. I would consider myself an artist at heart. I got an A in US history. I made the perfect decision in regards to college. I got into the nursing program the first time I applied. I survived and concord nursing school. Things have worked out for me so far. I have one final thing standing in front of me. It’s a lot of pressure. Half of me feels like I’m okay. I know what I’m doing. I know how to think through questions well, but the other half of me feels the pressure and feels the control with every small click of one single button. Those are really intimidating shoes to step into.
I hope this is meant to be.
First off, I miss you guys. And I miss being connected with the world. It’s really nice to get away with nothing to hold you down, but it’s also really nice to be connected.
This week has been amazing. It has been one of the best weeks of my life and hands down number one vacation… other than Italy. I back packed through Italy the summer after my freshman/sophomore year in college and it was such a profound experience because there is so much color and history. My roots are there and I feel at peace there; Italy embodies my persona. And it’s a big deal to say that this vacation could even be compared to that.
Gage and I went on a similar, less extravagant, cruise exactly three years ago with a lot of my family, family friends, and two of my friends. It was fun time in our relationship. It’s fun to get away from your home and your safety net with your partner for the first time. I treasure those early memories so much. I made out for the first time ever on that ship… and I have a cheesy smile on my face now as I remember it. That cruise sparked a lot including this passion we have for traveling together; we’ve decided that we’re adventurous travelers- which I adore about him. I like seeing him in different scenarios. If you take someone out of their natural habitat you learn things about their personality you would know otherwise. I think it’s fun and I think it’s important to build that trust.
I’m typing all these things I didn’t know I had floating in my head. My point was the couple we are now and the couple we were then is so much more grown up and entangled. It kind of chokes me up to see that huge growth and independence we have together, because I adored him then and I was madly in love with him.. as I am now, but things are so different. I see my world in his eyes. I look at him and he’s my home. He’s my comfort and life. And it’s crazy to see that and feel that when you look at one person. You shape each other and you change each other in the best possible ways. Like, have you ever been around a couple and they just fit together? They get each other, they’re comfortable, their life is shaped around the values they’ve formed together, and they just compliment each other in this way that makes you feel their happiness and understanding and vulnerability and fulfillment. I think that’s beautiful. I’m starting to really see that form in us. I don’t know, but I’m so happy. I can’t imagine loving a better person. I don’t know how I ended up here… but I’d do it a million times over to be right here again. It’s like my soul has found it’s perfect buzzed state.. you know, when you have the perfect amount of alcohol to heighten your senses; your skin feels electric, you can hear your own laugh echoing, you can feel yourself form words, the world slows down just enough to appreciate everything you couldn’t see before, worries are the last thing on your mind, everything feels like that most insane level of good you can fathom. Except I have that flowing through my soul instead of my veins. That’s how I feel.
So I’ve spent the past 5 weeks studying so hard for my nursing licensure exam… I’m taking it on Thursday. THE week has come. I haven’t been freaking out. However, I just finished going through all the content, most of it twice… and suddenly I can feel the anxiety pooling in my chest and burning. The voice of reason inside of my is like don’t pay it any attention, don’t feed into it, you’re okay… so I’m writing this mostly to get my thoughts out and distract myself.
I plan on spending tonight and every night until Wednesday going through practice questions to get my head in the game, but I just want to scream. I can’t blow this. I went through the nclex tag and it made me feel a lot better. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.
I think the idea of love is some conspiracy of balloons and happiness and hearts and the actual version of playing house. It’s not. Love isn’t some ideal movie or this thing that you’ve lusted for.
Love is a cup of tea or coffee or hot cocoa or whatever hot beverage you prefer to drink on a cold winter morning to get your freezing blood flowing through your body. It’s the feeling of laying down in your very own bed after you just ran your feet off for 14 hours in a pair of shoes that weren’t a fraction as supportive as they were cute. It’s the feeling of the sun on your bare skin for the first time after a long, cold winter. It’s the feeling of a hot shower after a bad day… or reaching your destination after a long journey. It’s silent. It’s normal, common even. It’s modest… It doesn’t seem like a big deal. It’s not extravagant. But it satisfies places inside of you nothing else could every begin to graze. It’s your person. Your love. Your passion. Your comfort. Your home.
I have an impeccable taste in music. The only thing I drink during meals is water. If I’m alone, I won’t make eye contact with strangers. I remember small details forever and I find myself having to play dumb quite a lot. It’s not Friday night if you don’t have dessert and a drink. I’ve never been impressed by a piece of cake from a bakery. I am a minimalist in many ways. Neutral colors are very calming to me. I cannot easily raise my voice. I really cherish old people. I’m usually cold and almost never hot… but when I am hot, chances are I’m not happy about it. I believe firmly in listening to moods. My mind, body, and soul are very sensitive things. I think the struggle is worth it… and sometimes I like to prolong the struggle just to intensify the satisfaction of the goal. I love the feeling of being satisfied… I put so much thought into making decisions… hence why I’m very indecisive. I do not like to fall asleep but I do not like to wake up. I hate my body and everyone around me a week before I get my period. I hate when people pretend like they know me, but I do like when people notice small things about me. I’m largely unreliant on people. I do not like being told what to do, as a matter of fact, the chance of me doing something I’ve been told to do decreases by at least 95%. My biggest pet peeve is lies. Though, I do have an entire list of pet peeves that mostly includes fidgeting or being fake. I like vulnerable situations. However, I am not freely vulnerable myself. I’ve had anxiety since I was pretty young and I always thought it was the feeling of guilt. I do not have the energy inside me to lie or deal with drama. I either care so so much or can’t even begin to be bothered with caring; I have no middle ground. I’m very good at reading people’s intentions. I’m a hopeless romantic. I like when books or movies make me cry. The one thing that makes me cry is when I can truly empathize how someone feels and it’s heartwarming or heartbreaking. I have a weird sense of humor. If I’m comfortable enough around you, I have a very, very quick wit. I know a lot of people that actually have no idea what my genuine laugh sounds like. I like my genuine laugh. I’m left handed. I have unusually soft skin. I like to smell like myself with a hint of vanilla soap at night. I never go to bed without taking a shower. If I can’t sleep, the sound of a television (specifically nick@nite) makes me fall asleep instantly. I think small, meaningful gifts are lovely. I enjoy painting; I don’t think about it, it just happens and that’s very freeing. I think sex is very intriguing and I could probably write a novel or two about all the sexual facts I have stored in my head. I like my coffee blended and strong. In general, I like all my drinks strong. I do not visually excite easily. I have a high pain tolerance. I work a lot harder at night. I let criticism eat at me. Children’s movies stress me out because there is always this crude, bare climax and I just feel so bad for everyone that’s suffering… real or not. I hate shopping in public; chances are I’ll leave empty handed… unless I’m in a rare, stylish mood. I like to shop online because I can put everything I like in my cart, wait a day, remove what I don’t want… and do that everyday for at least a week until I have the most thought out shopping bag possible. I can fight sleep like nobody’s business. My cat is my life. I have a lot of faith in life. I believe in kindness.
I would like to think I live a free live- free of unimportant obligations and ridiculous social stigmas. I like to help people. I think that’s my calling in life and I hope I reach my fullest potential with time and dedication. I think I’m doing a good job. I want to make a positive impact on as many peoples’ lives as possible, no matter how big or how small. But, I also want to make a positive impact on my own life. I like to stand in the rain, I like to stay up until the sun does, I like to run around naked in an outdoor hockey rink in the middle of winter at 2am. I want to scream when I want to scream and I want to laugh when I want to laugh, I want to cry when I want to cry, and I want to say what I want to say. I want to feel what it’s like to live as much as possible. That’s really important.
As you might know, I’m on vacation right now. I’m, hopefully, having the time of my life. This week… Or for you, this past week, I have put a lot of time and thought into focusing on all the little personal details and thoughts I have floating around in my head. I want to be a honest, intimate, and meaningful as possible… Because that’s what my blog is here for. I think I’ve done a pretty good job capturing that in these posts to come. They’re a little more self centered than usual and it felt good to write. So, here we go…
I woke up super early this morning to get a ton of errands done. I came home and had some fruit and coffee. Also, I found out if I set the keurig on 6oz… it makes coffee the perfect strength for me, at least the kind I’m using right now. There are few things better than the perfect cup of coffee. My little sister and I basically played the rest of the day and went to the beach/park this evening.
I’m going to try and give my posts a final pat down and sort out my queue. And force myself to sleep (unlikely)! Tomorrow is going to be amazing.