P.s. I’m sorry that I’m away all the time. And I really miss sitting down to write, but I’m always working at night and I don’t feel comfortable writing when I’m not busy at the hospital so I usually read like half a book every night at like 3am. I just really miss you and I can’t wait to be a normal human being. It’s fine being awake during the night but it sucks sleeping during the day. I never really go to sleep and I wake up feeling so terrible. I’m starting to feel waves of emotion because I miss my little sister and Gage and my mom so much because I just want to eat when they eat and sleep when they sleep. And now my family is gone to Florida so this weekend I’m going to make up for lost time… with Gage and my blog… but in very different ways. So there is that. I just have so many words, I’ve been quiet for too long. But I’ll stop now.
My mom, a friend of hers, my cousin, Gage, and myself joined a therapeutic fitness club challenge because my mom goes there and they were hosting a 6 week competition. My mom originally asked if I’d join and I invited Gage because we’re together when we’re not working or at school. Eventually we found ourselves a group of five. I mostly only did it for my mother because I’m healthy but I like yoga and running and things that don’t require machines and I like eating vegan and in my mind none of those things are going to be super embraced.
Anyway by the end of 6 weeks Gage, my cousin, and myself were three that stayed in the group and turns out we won. Which is great because I feel so much stronger and cleansed and we won the money we paid to join the challenge plus some- that’s really cool. And I ate very clean but I didn’t have to start drinking protein shakes and no one told me how important it is to eat meat and all the annoying things that I just don’t want to do because at the end of the day my body does get what it needs. Working out was really nice and we never once used machines; I don’t have anything against machines but I just feel trapped. I just want to run down the road or down the beach or not lift weights because at the end of the day I just want to be in control of my body and have the strength to be in control of my body. I feel like I do and I’m happy about it. So yeah. Ha.
That was supposed to be like two sentences… but oh well. The other thing is three more days, well nights, at the hospital until I’m finished with my transition to practice. I’m kind of like ready to open a book and do some school work which worries me because I’m not going to be a student forever… though I probably am so I’m not really worried. Ha. And then I need to take myself to get a background check and fingerprinted and apply to take my boards and all that jazz but I’m just not feeling the stress as much as I really should. I don’t know if I should even be feeling the stress. I just want to do what I have to do to graduate, take a break, then study my ass off for boards, pass my boards, and then take another break and then get a job somewhere that I’m hopefully happy with. I’m so over worrying… whatever happens happens and it’s suppose to happen that way, so there is all that.
If you’re looking from something, you’ll find it. No matter how small it is in the grand scheme of things, you’ll always find it. If you want to find the bad in someone, if you’re constantly waiting for someone to say something that you can twist into being ignorant or offensive… you can and you will. You’ll live your life picking apart everything everyone ever says because deep down you want to be offended for whatever reason.
It’s kind of like when someone is overly expressive about how they aren’t racist or prejudiced towards whatever and they go out of their way to make points that honestly just proves, if they’re thinking that way, they’re actually racist or prejudiced or whatever they’re trying so hard to prove they’re not.
It’s really not okay to take everything so personally because at a certain point you’re not longer standing up for people… you’re putting people down. I’m not saying not to take things personally… because things get personal and you take them that way and you’e a human and it hits home and it’s perfectly normal and fine. But when you start constantly making things personal when in reality someone didn’t have the slightest intentions of being rude or being offensive that’s not okay and you’re embarrassing yourself at that point.
I could tell you that I survived school and all the stupid classes I took just to prove I was smart enough to take them… and all the sleepless nights and tears I had to show for it. And all the parties I went to just so I could say I was cool enough to be there and the colleges I applied for and the colleges I got into and the nights I stayed at the library praying just this once I could pass… until the next exam and somehow I did. But those aren’t my highlights… and as much as it all made me a little more socially acceptable and led me to some kind of righteous path… I don’t really care too much about any of it.
I like the moment I sculpted a bird out of complete trash and the moment I painted a picture of a girl in black and white with so much depth I saw more than I thought was possible. And the unexpected times a stranger told me I helped them or saved them or was some kind of answer to their prayers.. And the moments I held both of my nieces for the first time. And the times I cried over missing my sister because the smell of her lingered on me. And all the times I spent with my mother genuinely laughing. And the time I made my nonna a string bikini out of scrap material because I think it’s her favorite memory. And nights I spent with friends that I never knew I would cherish so so much. And the time I fell in love with a boy so fully it shattered my heart only so it could entangle with his. Those are the highlights of my life, those are the things that made me feel something, those are the things I want to hold onto forever.
My mother told me once, well many times really, if I wanted something done right, do it myself. She also told me nice gets you nowhere. My mom is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet… in some senses, but I think she’s lived a long life that has taught her quite a bit of misconstrued lessons. If you know of my mother at all or if you’ve ever heard me mention one of her rampages, you would know she’s tough, hard headed, and has a temper that is a constant ticking time-bomb. Though I have some of those traits on a much less sensitive level, I am very much alike and different than my mother. My nonna once told me my mother used to be very easy going and tenderhearted; she’d cry at the drop of a hat if someone was the least bit pleased with her. I see that so so much in myself which is odd because she’s never been that vulnerable in front of me, but sometimes I see flashes of complete selflessness and I know she’s kill to protect me or give me everything she had to make me happy. And I feel her love and her compassion and I know her heart so well. Her pain over the years has turned into anger and rage… it makes me sad and pissed off all in one. I’m sad that life took her vulnerability and general niceness away, but I’m also a little angry that she let it. And I hate saying that because I do see both sides of her- one that I am completely in awe and in love with and it pains me to know one day she won’t be here and that love is so strong I hate… that I hate the other bitter side of her… the part of her that feels like it’s weak to be open and loving towards other.
My goal was to make a circle back to my actual point, but I guess I got caught up in things I actually needed to say.
To just end on a simple note: I’ve survived a measly 20 years being nice. I’ve gotten this far, and I’m happy for myself and I’m happy with myself. I hope I survive another 20 years and another 20 years and another 20 years and another 20 yeas being nice. It’s not easy being nice… it’s not naive to be nice; it’s fucking hard to be nice. There is a quote that reads, “rudeness is a weak person’s imitation of strength.” I think that’s so true and I think that’s so lovely to be put so elegantly. I just really want to be nice forever, because I think it’s possible and I think in time maybe people around me will feel the same.
if you could be fluent in another language what would it be ?
Prob Spanish because I’m really good at understanding it and reading it but I’m not confident in speaking it and it would be handy dandy at times. xo
Do you have an baby names picked out already sorry if this is too private
It’s not too private. We don’t really have any names picked out nor have we really talked about it. However, I really love the name Lilian with Lilly for short. I think that’s so cute and sweet. And my nonna’s name is actually Liliana, so that’s a plus. xo
My bf isnt as rough with me as he was when we started dating and I miss it. I thought it was sexy and how can I make him start again. cutest blog you have here :*
You know, a lot of people say this. I think it’s a little harder to be so rough and maybe “objectifying” (I use that really really really really loosely and I’m sorry for using it) when you barely know someone or you only know them on a shallow level. It’s a little harder to throw someone around or talk to them dirty or slap their skin or whatever you get up to because you care about their feelings emotionally and physically on a different level than before. If you’re doing those things, of course they should all be consensual… so use that and be honest. Maybe say I want you to do this and this and I like when you do this and this and this and I like when I can feel it or see it tomorrow because it reminds me of you and us and yesterday or whatever you’re feeling. And I think they’re probably going to be enough to make it clear and dissolve their worries.
And thank you! xox